A few days ago I finished reading Frankenstein, the classic story of a scientist who pieces together a disgusting but intelligent monster in a groundbreaking science experiment that eventually goes very wrong.
No, I didn’t read the book for fun, because nobody does that anymore; rather, I was assigned to read the novel for my English class at Maryland, and while I didn’t love the story, I was glad I finally got a chance to read it, and feel smarter because I did. (Side note: how many people think Frankenstein is the monster’s name? I’m assuming a lot of you just raised your hand. Well, I did too, which is why I felt like such an idiot when I realized that it’s really the scientist’s name, while the monster actually has no name at all. I hope me telling you this saves you from the embarrassment I felt from going my entire life and not knowing this vital piece of information.)
Now, of course the whole “I’m gonna create a new species by piecing together parts from a bunch of different humans” idea went terribly awry in the story, as Frankenstein’s creation ends up killing his brother, his best friend, his father, and his wife. On paper, however, it was a very neat idea, and it inspired me to do something similar in this post.
Today, I’m going to take the best characteristics/traits/parts from various Redskins players in order to create the Perfect Redskin. I’m going to try and think of everything, from physical abilities to who has the best post-play celebrations; I promise you that no stone will be left unturned. When I’m finished with this process, I intend to have come up with the ingredients for the ultimate Skin, and the only thing left will be finding a scientist willing to make these plans a reality.
Let’s get this thing started.
Here are the qualities I’d want my Perfect Redskin to have…
The toughness of Trent Williams
I wouldn’t be surprised if, on any given Sunday, I saw stuff like this pop up on the Redskins injury report:
-Trent Williams is a game-time decision due to his two broken legs, but sources say he’s gonna give it a go.
-Trent Williams is probable to start despite being the victim of a shark attack on Saturday; meanwhile, the shark has yet to be found.
-Trent Williams will start, and says he’ll “take a couple of Tylenol” to help control the pain of the ten ingrown toe nails, double ear infection, migraine headaches, severe appendicitis, and multiple hernias he is dealing with.
Trent Williams is a bad, bad man, and definitely the toughest Redskin I’ve ever seen. He played through a ton of injuries this year, especially towards the end of the season when everything was already in shambles and when he could’ve easily called it quits. He didn’t however, and displayed an incredible amount of grit and leadership by deciding to keep playing.
Because of his seemingly unlimited pain threshold and his desire to suit up every week no matter what is bothering him, giving my Perfect Redskin the toughness of Trent Williams was one of the easiest decisions of this whole process.
Pierre Garcon’s taste in mouth guards
Pierre Garcon is a very talented guy.
#88 is tremendous at catching footballs and also very good at running with them, among other things. Those two skills pale in comparison to his best talent, though: he’s very good at wearing the freshest mouth guard possible.
LOOK AT HIS SICK VAMPIRE MOUTH GUARD:
LOOK AT HIS SICK VAMPIRE MOUTH GUARD AGAIN:
C’MON FOLKS, LET’S HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR HIS SICK VAMPIRE MOUTH GUARD!:
Pierre Garcon is not only a Pro-Bowl caliber wide receiver, but he’s also a Pro-Bowl caliber mouth guard chooser. There’s no way in hell I’m letting my Perfect Redskin walk around with some ordinary, lame mouth guard. No sir. He HAS to have Pierre Garcon’s taste in mouth guards.
The consistency of Ryan Kerrigan
As a Redskins fan, I have a lot to worry about on game day.
Questions that run through my head every Sunday morning include (but are definitely not limited to), “What quarterback is starting, and what is the likelihood of that quarterback being benched during the game?” “Which random faces are making up our secondary this week, and how many times are they going to get burned deep?” and (after what happened in Minnesota) “Are the team buses going to be able to make it to the stadium without crashing into each other?”
The amount of things that stress me out about this franchise seems to increase every week, but one thing I have NEVER had to worry about is whether or not #91 is going to bring it for 60 minutes.
Ryan Kerrigan just wrapped up his fourth season in DC, and it was his best one yet. The handsomest outside linebacker in the league has seen his sack totals increase every year with the team, and he finished this campaign with an impressive 13.5 QB takedowns (good for seventh in the league). Kerrigan isn’t just a pass rusher, though. He’s the surest tackler on the defense, deflects a lot of quick passes, and is improving in pass coverage too.
The BEST part about the fourth year linebacker out of Purdue, however, better than all of the traits I just mentioned? The fact that he does all of these things every single week.
Kerrigan’s effort never dips below 100% no matter what the score is, and from the first quarter to the fourth quarter he is around the ball making plays. The rest of the team could benefit from being as consistent as Ryan Kerrigan, which is why the Perfect Redskin wouldn’t be perfect without this key quality.
DeSean Jackson’s swag
Duh!
DeSean Jackson has so much swag that I nicknamed him DopeSean Swagckson. DeSean Jackson has so much swag that I’m surprised he doesn’t get penalized every Sunday for “illegal use of the swag” or “unsportsmanlike conduct: unnecessary swagness.” DeSean Jackson is the swag king.
There is no doubt that #11 is an elite NFL wide receiver, but just to make sure no one forgets, he’s never hesitant to remind them. Some people may be turned off by his end zone antics, never ending trash talk, and over the top Instagram, but I love it. I love it all. Even if my Perfect Redskin only has one tenth of the swag that DJax has, then that’s a success.
Bashaud Breeland’s aggressiveness
The only person I associate a word with more than Bashaud Breeland and “aggressive” is Albert Haynesworth and “fat.” THAT’S how aggressive Bashaud Breeland is.
The rookie corner out of Clemson’s favorite things to do this year were: throw himself headfirst into running backs much bigger than him, rake at the football whenever he had the chance, and turn Dez Bryant into 2006 Brandon Lloyd. He never seemed to back down from a challenge, and I couldn’t get enough of his relentless style of play.
I bet Bashaud Breeland would be aggressive in a game of Monopoly. I bet he’s an aggressive grocery shopper. Hell, I bet he even sleeps aggressively. Take that tenacity and put it into my Perfect Redskin, and watch out.
Kirk Cousins’ dreamy eyes
Would I want my Perfect Redskin to take on Kirk Cousins’ ability to overthrow an open receiver by 20 yards? No. Would I want my Perfect Redskin to acquire Kirk Cousins’ penchant to fumble the football while standing in a completely clean pocket? No. But would I want my Perfect Redskin to inherit the dreaminess of Kirk Cousins’ icy blue eyes?
Yes. I would absolutely want that.
Darrel Young’s ability to score touchdowns on like every play
Is it me, or does Darrel Young score a touchdown on about 84% of his touches?
Okay, maybe it’s not that high. But listen to this statistic I came up with: Darrel Young has 13 career touchdowns on 84 career touches; The fifth year fullback has scored seven times on his 45 career carries, and has turned six of his 39 career catches into TDs. That’s a scoring rate of 15.47%, otherwise known as a touchdown every six touches! That’s remarkable!
To me, those eye popping numbers mean two things: 1) The Redskins should give the ball to Darrel Young on every play, and if he continues to score at that rate, they’ll have like 9 touchdowns a game, and 2) My Perfect Redskin has to have Darrel Young’s ability to get into the end zone.
Santana Moss’ ability to produce in big moments
Santana Moss has been the Redskins Mr. Clutch of the past ten years.
It all started with the Monday Night Miracle in Dallas in 2005 and took off from there. The overtime winner against Jacksonville, the punt return in Detroit, the last four games of that magical 2007 season, the eight touchdowns in 2012 that all seemed to come at the most critical times…I could seriously do this for hours.
Watching Moss convert the big third down or catch the vital TD became so commonplace that I coined a corny catch phrase I would always say on Sundays: “Need a big play? Just dial eight nine.”
Santana Moss has a lot of qualities that the perfect Redskin would be fortunate to take on: his dedication, his professionalism, his deep ball prowess, his ability to spin footballs, and his knack for being randomly ejected all come to mind. But the number one thing Tana has that I’d want to give my Perfect Redskin would be his love of the spotlight, and the way he always made the clutch play.
To recap:
My Perfect Redskin would: be as tough as Trent Williams, wear as cool a mouthguard as Pierre Garcon, be as consistent as Ryan Kerrigan, have as much swag as DeSean Jackson, be as aggressive as Bashaud Breeland, have the dreamy eyes of Kirk Cousins, score as many touchdowns as Darrel Young, and be as clutch as Santana Moss.
Sounds good to me!
Did I forget an important ingredient? Or is this Perfect Redskin truly perfect? Let me know on Twitter @BarelyIn. You should also like the blog’s Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/barelyinbounds), because it will make me really happy, but more importantly, because I can relate to the struggles that you’re going through, DC sports fan.
Barely In Bounds 