On Tuesday, the Patriots signed cornerback E.J. Biggers. At first glance, the move seems to be a fairly inconsequential one, the type of transaction that doesn’t even appear on ESPN’s scroller at the bottom of the TV.
This move does matter, though, and let me tell you why: Because E.J. Biggers is one of the worst professional football players to ever live, and the fact that he is still bouncing around the NFL confuses me more than fax machines (HOW DOES THE PAPER GO IN ONE MACHINE THEN SHOW UP SOMEWHERE ELSE? HOW!?).
Upon finding out the Bigger news and firing off a harsh tweet about it that related to his overall suckiness as a Redskin (he played for the team in 2013 and 2014), I felt inspired to come up with a list ranking some of the crappiest Burgundy and Gold players I’ve seen in my time as a fan (which began roughly back in 2005. So, sorry for those who were forced to endure terrible ‘Skins from seasons before that, because I’ll probably leave them out of this post).
That is why we’re here, standing atop a list of 10 truly awful football players that brought their awfulness to DC at one point or another. Luckily, the Redskins look like they’re beginning to be a competent franchise, so we hopefully won’t be subjected to guys like this moving forward. But it hasn’t always been like that with this team, and the following names are the best proof of that…
10) John Beck
For anyone who’s upset about giving Kirk Cousins a long-term deal or letting him play out the season on the franchise tag, let me remind you of something: In 2011, Mike Shanahan thought John Beck was the answer to Washington’s QB problems. Like, he looked at John Beck, and was OK with the idea of him starting real-life NFL games against real-life NFL teams that counted in a real-life NFL schedule. Don’t ever complain about Kirk again.
Want more examples about how much John Beck sucks? When you Google his name, things relating to him don’t even come up until the second page. Seriously — a music professor at the Eastman School of Music (wherever the hell that is) and JohnBeckSteel.com show up well ahead of former NFL quarterback John Beck on Google. This guy played in the league for six seasons and threw for three touchdowns. That is laughable. Look at this picture that sums up his professional career, then let’s move on, because I’m starting to get a little angry:
9) Madieu Williams
I’m convinced that wide receivers would’ve had more trouble spelling Williams’ first name than they did running by him when he was playing safety for the Redskins. You know how Roger Goodell is all worried about performance-enhancing drugs contaminating the NFL? He definitely didn’t have to worry about our buddy Madieu when he was in the league — that man was doped up on performance-anti-enhancing drugs, without a doubt. Still haven’t forgiven him for blowing that Giants game in 2012 by getting burned by Victor Cruz moments after Santana Moss caught that monstrous TD pass.
8) Adam Archuleta
Props to ole Archy for convincing the Redskins’ front office to give him what was at the time the richest safety contract ever. This guy knows how to sell himself, especially considering the fact that he didn’t make it through half a season before becoming the most expensive benchwarmer this side of Albert Haynesworth (don’t worry, he’s coming up).
What’d he do in that one year in the nation’s capital? 38 solo tackles and one pass defensed. BOOM. Yeah, not sure how he wasn’t first-team All-Pro either. I didn’t miss his Hall of Fame induction, did I?
7) Bacarri Rambo
You know how they say Kobe Bryant has never seen a jumper that he doesn’t like? Rambo never saw a missed tackle or horrible angle that he didn’t like. I’ve written this before and I’ll write it again: If his name was something like Gerald Jones or Walter Smith, Bacarri would’ve been cut wayyyyyyyyy sooner than he was. He just happened to be blessed with a bad-ass last name that for some reason bought him more time. This conversation definitely happened between team higher-ups inside of the franchise at times when they thought about letting him go: “Hold on a sec…Don’t you see his last name, guys? It’s RAMBO. Like the movie!” “Aw, jeez, you’re right, that’s a really cool last name. Kinda gets me going. Hell, let’s keep him around another season.”
I wish that was me and not Jay Gruden…
6 & 5) Devin Thomas & Malcolm Kelly
I don’t want to separate these two airheads. It just doesn’t feel right.
Overall, the Redskins got 68 catches and 810 yards in five combined seasons from these two 2008 second-rounders. Jordan Reed is going to surpass those numbers in like four games next season. At least Fred Davis, another member of that infamous second round, was kind of good before he started smoking pot.
These guys, on the other hand, just flat-out sucked. What the hell kind of collection does the below card belong to, the crappy, useless receivers collection? You couldn’t PAY me to take this card from someone, and I just not-so-long ago didn’t buy a bag of E.L Fudge cookies from the vending machine because I didn’t want to spend the dollar they cost.
4) Brandon Lloyd
You know all that mean and snarky stuff I just wrote about Thomas and Kelly? I’d rather have them both, and then two worse clones of them both, than Brandon Lloyd. I couldn’t describe Lloyd’s time with the Redskins better if you gave me 10,000 words and an accompanying video than this photo does, so I’m just going to let this photo do the explaining, instead:
3) Albert Haynesworth
I know having Fat All at three and not one may make some people mad, but I can at least remember him doing some positive things every so often (which I can’t really say about the next two players). However, I would like to take this time to remind everyone, again, that one time, Albert Haynesworth chose to take a cat nap on the field during a goal line sequence on national TV over doing his actual job, which was to rush the passer. May he have a disastrous time the next time he goes out to Arby’s.
2) Brandon Meriweather
Of alllllllllll the train wrecks the Redskins have had at safety, Meriweather takes the cake. My God. MYYYYYY GODDDDDDD. HE WAS GARBAGE. He makes Reed Doughty look like Ed Reed and OJ Atogwe look like Troy Polamalu.
In fact, Meriweather was better at concussing his own teammates/himself than he was at preventing opposing quarterbacks from completing passes. The Redskins faced him last season when he was on the Giants (who would’ve been better off putting Tom Coughlin in the secondary over Meriweather) and DeSean Jackson promptly torched him. Here’s a video of it. Watch it. And smile while watching it. Because he’s no longer a part of Washington’s defense. And that’s worth smiling about.
1) E.J. Biggers
The Redskins initially signed Biggers to a one-year, $1.5 million contract in 2013. That was approximately $1.49 million too high for the return they got out of him. I swear to God, he couldn’t even wear his helmet right while with the team. Everyone has that one player they just can’t stand, and for me, that guy is Biggers. He deserves to be No. 1.
And if he ends up succeeding with the Patriots, I think I’m going to have an aneurysm. I don’t even know what those are, by the way, but I think I’m going to have one anyway.
Let me know who I missed on Twitter @BarelyIn. You should also like the blog’s Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/barelyinbounds), because it will make me really happy, but more importantly, because I can relate to the struggles that you’re going through, DC sports fan