According to the calendar on my phone, it is currently February. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but that means March is right around the corner, which in turn means two huge sports events are almost upon us: March Madness and the start of offseason NFL moves.
As a college basketball fan, I couldn’t love March Madness any more. And as a Washington Redskins fan, I couldn’t hate the NFL offseason any more. However, there’s no denying the impact that both events have on me each year, so today, I’m going to combine the two in this post.
Because the Washington Redskins are infamous for their decision making in the offseason, I have created a NCAA-ish tournament bracket to figure out which offseason decisions were the absolute worst. Here’s how the bracket was made:
1) Player selection- the players in this bracket are what I determined to be the Redskins’ 12 worst offseason acquisitions since 1999. The players could’ve been acquired via trade or free agency. Now, there was a lot to choose from, but these are what I deemed to be the absolute worst of the worst. If there’s an omission that offends you, I’m deeply sorry.
2) Bracket setup- there are four regions in this bracket, named after some of the Redskins most revered coaches and front office personnel: the Haslett region, the Cerrato region, the Shanahan region, and the Allen region. There is one “play in” game in each corner of the bracket, which is followed by the Elite 8, the Final Four, and the Championship.
3) Tournament seeding- I didn’t seed the players; instead, I wrote their 12 names down on a piece of paper, tore up the paper, mixed the torn pieces of paper around, then picked them up in pairs to see what the matchups were. I wish I had a cooler way of setting the matchups, but that’s the best I could come up with. Just for the record, here’s visual proof of the seeding process:
A picture of the completed bracket is coming up soon.
4) Choosing the winner in each round- sure, this is somewhat of an arbitrary thing to do, as every fan has their own opinion on the Redskins worst offseason acquisitions. I was born in 1994, so some of the older free agents don’t inspire as much hatred inside of my soul as some of the more recent guys do. However, I tried to do my best in going through the stats/contract info/amount of disappointment/etc. each guy brought with them to DC to come up with the best bracket possible.
Alright, that should cover everything; now it’s time to see how this thing plays out. I’m going to go region by region to find each corner’s final four participant, then finish it off from there. I’ll give the reasoning for why I chose the winner of every matchup, and when it’s all said and done, we’ll have our winner.
I’m going to try my best to keep my emotions in check and write with a calm and relaxed tone I’m about to go off on these bums.
The Bracket- Here’s how the bracket looked after the very official process of tearing up pieces of paper and scrambling them around on my desk:
Let’s start breaking down the games!
The Haslett Region
Play in game: Josh Morgan vs. Tracy Porter
Two very different types of free agents that share one common trait: they suck at football.
Josh Morgan was 26 years old when he was signed by the team in 2012, a move that made my eyes light up. “Wait a second, you’re telling me this guy isn’t 37? You’re saying the Redskins are signing a young guy who hasn’t been a featured receiver before, and they are gonna give him a chance to start so he can blossom into a productive player? [Expletive] yes!” To be honest, I didn’t even CARE that Josh Morgan was being given a five year deal with $7.5 million guaranteed even though coming off of a broken leg and had only recorded 130 catches in his first four years in the league. This move was gonna work!
LOLOLOLOL. It didn’t work.
Morgan had 48 catches in his first year with the team for a paltry average of 10.6 yards per catch. Just to give you some context here, I’d like to point out that Logan Paulsen’s career average is 10.1 yards per catch. That essentially means that the Redskins were starting Logan Paulsen at their second wide receiver spot for all of 2012. Thanks Bruce Allen.
Along with putting up a stat line that looked more like a mediocre tight end’s than a notable free agent wide receiver’s, Morgan also cost the Redskins a game when, against the Rams in Week 2, he decided to throw a football at Cortland Finnegan’s face during the team’s final drive, a move that pushed the offense back 15 yards and knocked Billy Cundiff out of field goal range. The worst part about it all? 2012 was the better of Morgan’s two years with the Skins, because in 2013, he lost his starting job to Leonard Hankerson and spent the better part of the year having a lot of trouble returning kickoffs past the 20. He did raise his yards per catch average all the way up to 10.7, though, so that was pretty sweet.
Tracy Porter’s signing was very different from Morgan’s. Instead of being a guy who hadn’t been given a chance to prove himself, Porter was a player who’d already been on three teams and was pretty much understood to be about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop. That didn’t deter the Redskins, however, as the team inked him to a two year deal and expected him to be a large part of their retooled secondary, because what can go wrong with signing an injury prone, mistake prone corner and hoping he solidifies your already sketchy group of cornerbacks?
Miraculously, Porter somehow turned in a worse season than I expected. He was injured from the get go and only played in 89 snaps ALL SEASON, a number that Ryan Kerrigan passes in a game and a half. Sadly, Porter’s most notable appearance in the team’s uniform came against Tampa Bay in Week 11, as he was one of the corners Bucs receiver Mike Evans consistently burned on his way to setting an NFL rookie record for receiving yards in a game. I witnessed this event live, and I left CONVINCED I could do Tracy Porter’s job just as well as him. Mercifully, all signs point to Porter’s first season in DC also being his last.
The winner: Morgan’s lack of performance was particularly discouraging, but the move at least made sense; meanwhile, Porter’s signing was one that everyone knew wouldn’t work out right when it was announced. And as much as I criticized Morgan, he did actually show up to work on Sundays, which has to count for something. For being given way too much responsibility (not really his fault that the team thought he was actually going to help out, but still) and for being about as durable as melted butter, Tracy Porter was the worse signing, and he moves on.
Elite 8 matchup: Tracy Porter vs. Albert Haynesworth
This is a one seed versus a 16 seed right here. I’m going to save all of my Haynesworth stats and anger for later on in the tourney, because as bad as Porter was, he looks like Champ Bailey when compared to Fat Albert. There’s no way Haynesworth wasn’t going to at least be in the final four of a tournament that determines the Redskins worst offseason move since 1999, so he moves on with ease.
Regional Champion: Albert Haynesworth
Haynesworth takes the Haslett region without breaking a sweat (hm, Haynesworth doing something without breaking a sweat? That sounds like his entire Redskins career). Here’s a recap of the region’s match ups:
Congrats Al, go eat some donuts while we figure the rest of the final four out.
On to the Cerrato region.
The Cerrato Region
Play in game: Antwaan Randle El vs. Brandon Lloyd
This is by far the best matchup of any play in game: a true showdown between two pathetic 2006 offseason acquisitions of overrated wide receivers.
I’m still very pissed that the Redskins allowed Antwaan Randle El’s trick play/option quarterback ability (a skill that came in handy once, maybe twice a year) to blind them of the fact that he was A REALLY BAD WIDE RECEIVER. Did you know that the Skins signed A.R.E to a seven year deal? Seriously, when I looked up his contract info and saw that number, I slowly closed my laptop and then went on a 15 minute walk to try and gather myself. I was truly shaken up.
Antwaan played four years with the team; his high in receptions was 53, his high in yards was 728, and his high in touchdowns was four (makes loud fart noise with his mouth). He had a year where he caught one touchdown, and he had a year where he caught as many touchdowns as Oprah Winfrey did that season. Here’s what I remember from Randle El’s time here: he did a really strange celebration after making catches, and he didn’t seem to understand that when you fielded a punt, the object was to move up the field, not run to the sideline.
Luckily for Redskins fans, the team decided to give us not one but TWO garbage wide receivers during the ’06 offseason. The team traded a third round pick in the 2006 draft and a fourth round pick in the 2007 draft to the Niners in exchange for Brandon Lloyd (because according to them, there are no good players left after the first round. I’m pretty sure if you offered Vinny Cerrato a half used gift card to Applebee’s for a third rounder, he’d accept it without hesitation) then signed him to a contract extension.
WARNING: The next section of this post is not suitable for readers under 17 years old.
Brandon Lloyd 2006 stats: 23 catches, 356 yards, 0 touchdowns
Brandon Lloyd 2007 stats: 2 catches, 14 yards, 0 touchdowns
Hollllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy HELL! I HAD NO IDEA HE CAUGHT TWO PASSES IN HIS SECOND YEAR HERE. Wow. WOWWWWWWWWW. Ok, sorry, I have to calm down.
Wow, he SUCKED!
Ok, chill.
Check out this little nugget from his Wikipedia page:
So Brandon Lloyd’s first year in DC was the worst season for a starting number two wide receiver in NFL history, and he followed up that spectacular effort by catching two passes for 14 yards, which is the distance I am from my toilet. HTTR!
The winner: I thought this matchup was gonna be more of a toss up, but after looking back and seeing that Brandon Lloyd had less catches in his Redskins career than Malcolm Kelly (pauses until your mind stops exploding), he wins fairly easily. Randle El was not too productive, but man, Lloyd’s numbers are ghastly.
Elite 8 matchup: Brandon Lloyd vs. Adam Archuleta
This is a final four caliber contest right here.
The 2006 offseason has scarred me for life, so much so that whenever I see the number 2006, hear a song from that year, etc. I start sweating profusely and develop a rash all over my body. I already told you about Randle El and Lloyd, so let me tell you about Archuleta, the third jewel in 2006’s triple crown of crap.
Remember when FDR said December 7th, 1941 (the day of the Pearl Harbor attacks) was a day that will forever live in infamy? That was a powerful speech and all, but he was wrong; March 14th, 2006 is really the day that will forever live in infamy, because that is the day the Washington Redskins made Adam Archuleta the highest paid safety in the history of the NFL.
Oh hey, sorry, I just had to go run out and buy a new laptop; I projectile vomited all over my last one after I typed that last sentence.
Archuleta lasted one year in DC after inking that disastrous six year deal. He recorded 50 tackles, had one sack, and deflected one pass. You’re right, I don’t know how he isn’t in the Hall of Fame either with numbers like those!
After repeatedly getting beaten in pass coverage, Archuleta was replaced in Week 8 by a 37 year old Troy Vincent. How’s that for some humble pie? Only the Redskins could make someone the highest paid player in the history of their position, then bench him before the season is halfway over. Good times.
The winner: This was a really hard decision; I honestly debated it for about three hours, starting at breakfast and ending at lunch. Both guys were high profile acquisitions who put up a stat line that looked more like that of an undrafted free agent’s. In addition, I’m pretty sure saying either one’s name at a Redskins game guarantees that will get you punched in the face. In the end though, I have to give the edge to Archuleta, due to his laughable contract and his inability to make it through even half a season before being asked to sit on the bench. He wins this one, but it was close.
Regional Champion: Adam Archuleta
The highest paid benchwarmer in NFL history earns a date with Albert Haynesworth in the final four. Here’s a recap of this corner of the bracket’s action:
Let’s see what’s going on in the Shanahan region next.
The Shanahan Region
Play in game: Shawn Lauvao vs. Jeff George
Since I was fortunate enough to be born in 1994, I was saved from the debacle that was the Jeff George era, meaning everything I know about his career is from research. With that being said, looking at his numbers does make me feel pretty queasy.
This is what I found out after reading about George’s past: he took over for a struggling Randall Cunningham in 1999 for the Vikings, went 8-2 over the season’s final ten contests, and even won a playoff game for them. At season’s end, he expressed a desire to return to Minnesota, but was only offered a one year deal, so he took to the free agent market looking for a better offer. Luckily for George, the Redskins were just beginning their wonderful habit of overpaying for older free agents, and they signed him to a four year, $18.25 million dollar deal……….TO BE BRAD JOHNSON’S BACKUP GOD DAMN IT!
Now, I was only six years old at the time (not yet contaminated by the burgundy and gold’s germs of awfulness) but I freaking hope Redskins fans rioted when this deal was announced. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure it is not normal for NFL teams to go out and pay that much for a backup QB. I mean, I can’t even fathom what the team was thinking when they were negotiating George’s contract. Did someone misplace the period, making 1.825 million 18.25 million? That’s the only thing I could come up with.
George started seven games during his two year stint with the team, winning just one of them. He was cut two games into the 2001 season, bounced around the league for five more years but never played, then retired. The team hasn’t announced when they plan to induct him into their Ring of Fame yet, but I’m sure it’s coming soon.
While George was a part of the first wave of overpayments by the Redskins, Shawn Lauvao is one of the more recent examples. Regarded around the league as a very average left guard, the Redskins came out of nowhere and inexplicably signed Lauvao to a fat four year, $17 million dollar deal during the first few minutes of last year’s free agency period. While good teams like the Patriots and Broncos were working the phones and signing big name players that would actually go on to help their team, the Redskins put on the full court press for an extremely pedestrian offensive lineman from the Browns. Please save us, Scot McCloughan.
To the surprise of no one, Lauvao struggled all season, especially in the run game. It was pretty hard all year for Alfred Morris to get going on runs to the left side, especially when Lauvao was already pushed seven yards into the backfield before the ball was handed off half of the time. Sadly, it looks like Shawn will be back for another year with the team, so let’s start hoping new offensive line coach Bill Callahan is as good as everyone says he is.
The winner: I think this one comes down to a matter of age/when you really started paying attention to the team. If you were a devoted fan during the time of Jeff George, then I think you have him advance to the next round. I, however, was not a devoted fan during the time of Jeff George (I feel like George’s time here was like a really horrible party that I was fortunate enough to miss; everyone always says how dreadful of a player he was, but I wasn’t there so I have no recollection of it), which is why Lauvao is going to be the player who moves on.
Elite 8 matchup: Shawn Lauvao vs. Jason Taylor
A matchup featuring an ordinary offensive lineman versus a well past his prime defensive end with a final four appearance on the line? Sign me up!
You already know about Lauvao, so let’s talk about Taylor, the guy I nearly failed to include in this bracket because his time with the team was so forgettable. After defensive ends Phillip Daniels and Alex Buzbee tore their ACLs on the first day of training camp before the 2008 season, the Redskins panicked, trading a 2009 second rounder and a 2010 sixth rounder to the Dolphins in exchange for the 34 year old pass rusher. How ineffective was he in a Skins uniform? Check out his Wikipedia page that talks about his 2008 season:
Did you notice how the page doesn’t even mention ANYTHING about the actual NFL season? It talks about the trade that brought him here, skips over the kinda important part where he played in actual games, then talked about why he left; I have never seen that before in my life as a fan. It turns out that Taylor played in 13 games and notched three sacks in 2008, not exactly what the team was hoping for when they brought him to town.
The winner: Imagine this matchup on an actual field. You know that phrase people use when describing two really strong things going up against each other? An “immovable object vs. an unstoppable force?” This is literally the exact opposite of that. If Lauvao and Taylor went up against each other in real life, nothing would end up happening; they would just flub around for hours until eventually realizing that everyone else went home. But as bad as the Taylor trade was, I really hate the Lauvao signing, so I’m giving him the nod and sending him to the final four. All three players in this bracket are worthy of advancement, but I just can’t stand watching #77 and don’t get why he was signed so quickly, making him, in my mind, the worst in the region.
Regional Champion: Shawn Lauvao
Acting as this tournament’s Cinderalla story, Shawn Lauvao upsets two big names in Jeff George and Jason Taylor to make it to the bracket’s penultimate stage. Here’s a recap of what went down in the Shanahan region:
Who will Lauvao face with a spot in the title game on the line? Let’s head to the Allen region to find out.
Allen Region
Play in game: Bruce Smith vs. Deion Sanders
Similar to the Lloyd-Randle El matchup, this Smith vs. Sanders showdown is between two guys from the same free agent class. Both players were high priced, flashy defensive signings from 2000 that didn’t pan out the way Dan Snyder envisioned, but which one was worse? Let’s break it down.
Bruce Smith was signed after 14 legendary years with the Buffalo Bills, but like any players whose played 14 years in the NFL, he didn’t have much fire left. By that point in his career, it appeared that Smith was more interested in setting the all time record for sacks than winning football games, and was happy to do so for whatever team was willing to pay him the most.
Smith actually produced well in his first year, recording ten sacks, but he only amassed 19 in the next three years combined. He did become the NFL’s all time sack leader in 2003, but combine the fact that he was so darn old with the fact that the team he was playing for was so darn unimportant, and you got what should have been a celebrated achievement ending up as a somewhat muted moment.
Sanders joined Smith in Washington after putting his name on a seven year, $55 million dollar contract, as Snyder was seemingly unaware that “Prime Time” had become more like “I’m Pretty Old And Just Here To Take Your Money Time.” Neon Deion’s talents had dimmed considerably by this point in his career, and after posting four interceptions in 2000, he abruptly called it quits. Yay.
The winner: It’s Deion here for sure. Both Sanders and Smith were veterans who were far more interested in increasing what was in their bank accounts than piling up wins on the field, and both were able to accomplish that by signing with the free spending Skins; Sanders wins out over Smith though, by being more disinterested than Smith was, as evidenced by his playing just one year with the team and immediately retiring.
Elite 8 matchup: Deion Sanders vs. Donovan McNabb
Another instant classic here, with Sanders going up against Mr. McNabb.
The McNabb trade is one that hurts to this day: the team packaged a second rounder in the 2010 draft and a conditional pick in 2011 to their division rival for the quarterback who had beat them so many times in the past. You know what they say, if you can’t beat ’em, mortgage part of your future so you can get ’em!
McNabb was incredibly disappointing, to say the least. He was benched in the fourth quarter during a Week 8 game against the Lions in favor of Rex Grossman, with coach Mike Shanahan citing that Grossman was a better option to run the team’s two minute drill. He was then renamed starter (Redskins logic: bench a guy for the backup, then start him the next week like nothing happened), and in the middle of a Monday Night game against his former team, news broke that he was being signed to a five year, $78.5 dollar contract extension. As if the roller coaster wasn’t crazy enough, he was then benched again, this time for the final three games of the season (Shanahan sure does love three game tryouts for the backup at the end of losing seasons, doesn’t he?) and with that, his Redskins career was finished.
The winner: Both Sanders and McNabb only lasted one season in the burgundy and gold, so either is a viable choice to advance. With that being said, I’m gonna go with McNabb, due to the fact that people actually had a lot of hope for his arrival, while Sanders was understood to be near the end of his career. Donovan was supposed to be the team’s solution at quarterback, but that idea (of course) went up in flames in six short months. Congrats Donovan, you’re in the final four.
Regional Champion: Donovan McNabb
McNabb was unable to win much during his Redskins career, but he’s certainly racking up the wins in this bracket! Here’s a recap of the Allen region:
It’s time for the final four!
The Final Four
Here’s how the final four looks. It’s a pretty good lineup if you ask me:
Left side matchup: Albert Haynesworth vs. Adam Archuleta
I didn’t even discuss Haynesworth during his first appearance in the bracket, so let’s do a brief history of his “accomplishments.”
After looking like the most dominant defender in football after a monster 2008 campaign, the Redskins basically signed the former Titans defensive lineman the second free agency opened, handing him $100 million dollars at 12:01 a.m. He was a can’t miss force who was supposed to control the line of scrimmage on every snap. As it turned out though, Haynesworth’s fat stomach was the only thing that was can’t miss, and “every snap” turned into “every snap in which he didn’t fall asleep or wasn’t sitting on the sidelines sucking on an oxygen mask.”
Now, I’ve already beaten up Archuleta pretty badly, but I’ll throw in one more thing before deciding the winner: he had 17 tackles on special teams in 2008, which would’ve been a fantastic number for a fourth round rookie. Archuleta, however, was the highest paid safety in the history of football, which suddenly makes that number look very ugly.
The winner: Both guys came to town after signing massive contracts, and both became targets of an under impressed and heated fan base very quickly. I really like the fact that Archuleta was benched before the halfway mark of the season, but still, he is no match for Albert; Haynesworth coasts to the championship game. Let’s give him a second to catch his breath and check out what’s going on with the other side of the bracket.
Right side matchup: Shawn Lauvao vs. Donovan McNabb
This semifinal is much closer than the other one we just saw.
On one side you have an offensive lineman who was about as formidable as room temperature jello, and on the other side you have an overweight quarterback who couldn’t throw the ball fifteen yards without it hitting the ground three times. Who was worse though?
The winner: What saves Lauvao here is the fact that he has a chance to redeem himself. The Redskins brought in revered offensive line guru Bill Callahan, who will hopefully be able to get a little more out of the left guard. McNabb’s legacy, on the other hand, is sealed. Lauvao’s Cinderella run ends, and McNabb gets his ticket to the title game.
The Championship
The matchup we’ve all been waiting for:
Wow, we’ve finally made it: the championship game, where two notoriously bad Redskins offseason moves meet and give us a chance to see who was the worst-est. This is like Kentucky-Kansas. These two are the true titans of the Redskins offseason history. Let’s look at some more stats and facts in an effort to see which one deserves the championship more.
McNabb’s lone year in DC was the first time in his career that he finished with more interceptions than touchdowns. In other words, he was Kirk Cousins before Kirk Cousins. Furthermore, in the most hyped game of the season, a MNF contest at home against his former Philly friends, McNabb was picked three times and the Redskins lost by 31. And finally, McNabb played so badly that he pushed Mike Shanahan to decide that he’d rather evaluate Rex Grossman, a quarterback who literally everyone knew was an interception machine and nothing more, instead of watch #5 play anymore. That’s disgusting.
Having said all that, and after remembering just how nasty McNabb’s year was, Donovan never had the balls to do this:
Albert Haynesworth took a nap during a football game.
Albert Haynesworth laid on the ground while the other team’s quarterback was still eligible for sacking, and didn’t move until that quarterback completed a touchdown pass.
Albert Haynesworth is a worthless sack of sh*t.
As this bracket very clearly shows, the Redskins have a long and storied history of sketchy, ill advised offseason acquisitions, but nothing, and I mean nothing, comes close to matching the Albert Haynesworth debacle. 20 out of 32 possible games played, just 6.5 sacks, and countless failed conditioning tests makes Haynesworth the clear cut choice for worst Redskins offseason acquisition ever. Thanks for all the memories Albert Haynesworthless, and may you have many more naps in your future.
The Winner (or is it loser?)
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Sorry. That was immature. Here’s your winner:
And here’s the final recap:
Bracket Recap
I hope you enjoyed this, and I can’t wait to do this again in 15 years, after the Redskins make 24 more insanely idiotic offseason moves!
Love my picks or don’t agree with them? Let me know on Twitter @BarelyIn. You should also like the blog’s Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/barelyinbounds), because it will make me really happy, but more importantly, because I can relate to the struggles that you’re going through, DC sports fan
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