Wish lists are awesome.
Instead of leaving things up to chance, someone somewhere came up with the idea of thinking about every kind of gift you want, deciding what color and size you want it in, writing those ideas onto a piece of paper, and then sending it to your friends and family so they could get it all for you. No more homemade oven mitts or weird hats; here was a way for you to fully guarantee the things you got under the tree were what you really wanted.
The brilliance of wish lists (which I have ranked #4 on the list of greatest inventions ever, just in front of luggage with wheels and right behind those little sleeves you put on your coffee cup so it isn’t too hot to hold) was what inspired me to come up with a wish list filled with items DC sports fans like me are asking for this holiday season.
Now, while I’m not sure if asking for these things will actually increase the chances of getting them the way asking for the third season of Breaking Bad significantly raises the chances of you finding it in your stocking, it definitely can’t hurt right?
Just in case someone out there is actually listening, I wanted to put these ideas into writing, because being a DC sports fan is really hard and we could truly use some of these gifts. Here is what I am hoping Santa brings my teams nine days, and I know many other DC sports lovers would put their names on this wish list, too.
-A Decent Redskins Starting Quarterback
Look, I’m not asking for a Peyton Manning or Aaron Rodgers level starting quarterback here, okay? All I want is a decent quarterback who doesn’t throw three interceptions a game, take seven sacks, or generate a ton of controversy with his every single move. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for!
Average arm strength, pretty durable, smart decision making, and the occasional scramble or great throw? Yeah, please, I’ll give the rest of my presents back if I get one of those guys! I would react to getting a decent starting quarterback like women in Kay Jewelers commercials react to getting diamond rings. Seriously.
If there was an Alex Smith-level quarterback in that purple box and Santa put his arms around me and said, “Here is a gift to you and to Redskins nation,” my reaction would be very similar to that woman’s reaction.
–Any Piece of John Wall Related Memorabilia
This is John Wall’s city now. With the Skins on the decline and the Wizards on the rise, Wall is the area’s brightest star, and because of that, I would love anything with his name or face on it.
In fact, I just searched his name on Amazon, and would accept any of the following items:
A John Wall jersey, John Wall’s signature shoes, a John Wall action figure, a John Wall poster, John Wall’s rookie card, those dope socks with John Wall hitting a layup on them, a John Wall Fathead, that children’s book about John Wall, a phone case with John Wall’s jersey on the back, or a small John Wall plush doll would all be acceptable presents. Literally, I’ll take any of it. He is superb now and only getting better, and I need to be able to rep him any way possible.
-A Closet Full of Stress Balls
Yes, I’d like a thousand of these please:
Whether I’m watching the Nationals as they try to close out a postseason game, the Redskins as they get off to another slow start, or the Wizards as they play in another thriller, I’m very rarely at ease during DC sports games, which is where these would come in handy.
During Nats, Skins, or Wiz games, I’m constantly clapping my hands, pounding the table, or yelling at the TV, and my behavior has led to a lot of broken things and sore body parts. In fact, there is a table in my basement at home that has cracks and dents in it because my younger self beat the crap out of it during Redskins games. No more of that.
These stress balls would get a lot of use, which is why I’m asking for a hefty amount and not just one or two, and would allow me to be more calm when I watch my teams play.
-A Gift Card to Wherever Jayson Werth Gets His Beard Groomed and His Hair Cut
Take a moment and look at this handsome devil:
I mean, Werth’s beard is always as luscious as can be, while his hair is always smoothly flowing from out underneath his hat. The barbers clearly know what they’re doing wherever that guy goes to get his hair taken care of.
As an aspiring beard grower myself, I would love to take a seat in one of their chairs and let them work their magic. All I need is the gift card!
-An Umbrella That I Can Take to the Verizon Center
Despite ranking 27th in the league in three pointers attempted, the Wizards are leading the NBA in three point shooting percentage, hitting on 38.9% of their long range shots:
With Bradley Beal back and heating up, Rasual Butler joining Beal in the NBA’s top five most accurate three point shooters, John Wall continuing to find open shooters every night, and the return of Martell Webster inching closer and closer, the Wizards will surely start firing away from long distance more often, which can mean only one thing: it’s about to start raining, and raining hard, in the Verizon Center, so fans will need to start bringing their umbrellas.
I’ve never had an umbrella of my own before, but this year is the first time I’ll really need one; I intend on going to the Verizon Center a lot over the next few months, and I don’t wanna get wet from all the threes the Wizards will be splashing through the nets.
-A Caulking Gun
Now, I’ve never used one before, but according to Google, caulking guns such as this one are used for filling up cracks, holes, and leaks around the household:
Now, why does a caulking gun show up on a wish list for DC sports fans, you’re asking? Well, if we all asked for a caulking gun, then armed ourselves with our caulking guns, marched our way to Redskins Park and FedEx Field, and went to work, then maybe, just maybe, we could finally put an end to the endless leaks that have plagued this team for so long.
I understand that it would take a lot of caulking guns, a lot of caulk, and a lot of caulkers (I just wanted to type that word in three different ways because I think it’s one of the weirdest words I’ve ever seen), but if we all worked together to fill up the cracks and holes, I think we could seal ’em up once and for all, and go on to live lives free from the damning weekly media leaks! How nice does that sound? Help us out, Santa.
-A Time Machine
And last but not least, I’d like a time machine. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be assembled already; I’d be happy to put it together. This one would do:
The time machine would be perfect, as I’ve been dying to go back to the 2012 NFL season for quite some time. Back then, the Redskins were scary, RGIII was unreal, the offense was dangerous, and the defense made plays. Every Sunday was fun, and the games in December had so much meaning to them.
The seven game winning streak the team went on was undoubtedly the most fun I’ve ever had watching sports, and since it doesn’t look like the Redskins are heading back to that point anytime soon in the future, I’d like a time machine to help me relive it in the past.
Welp, that’s it! Thanks Santa, I’ll be seeing you soon. And just remember, if you don’t comply to all of my demands, I along with tons of other DC sports fans will definitely throw a collective, massive temper tantrum. WE NEED THESE THINGS! Happy Holidays!
Like the blog’s Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/barelyinbounds), because it will make me really happy, but more importantly, I can relate to the struggles that you’re going through, DC sports fan
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